Excerpt from "Life of the Party"

When it comes to masturbation, I was a prodigy! I had my first orgasm at four. I became addicted, as I do with everything. I jerked off whenever I could. Every night before bed, each time I took a bath, on the sofa when cartoons got boring, in the kitchen while waiting for popcorn to microwave. I had fucked up fantasies, too. About my teachers, my dad’s friends, the pizza delivery guy. I had a recurring fantasy about my gym teacher tying me up in a storage closet and fucking me between classes.

I still wasn’t sure how “fucking” worked but I had a general idea, based on how my older sister and her friends played with their barbies. I remember I had this amazing outfit in that storyline, a transparent plastic two-set skirt with a top that pressed down on my baby boobies. A designer in the making, for sure. My girlfriends growing up didn’t jerk off, or at least they didn’t admit to it. But once they got boyfriends in high school, they had orgasms with them. Or at least they said they did.  

Sometimes I’m grateful for this problem. If I could cum during sex, I would become a monster. Like a sexual predator. I’d end up in prison. I can’t believe that men get to cum every time they do it. Unless they’re drunk or high or preoccupied with a soccer game. No wonder they’re such shitheads. The world is really unfair for women. Or at least it’s unfair to me.

If I’ve met you I’ve probably jerked off to you. Don’t be flattered, it doesn’t mean I like you. The less I like you the more likely I am to jerk off to you. When I’m dating a guy I never can jerk off to him. I have to think about one of his friends or the bartender who served us drinks or the homeless guy we passed while walking home. Otherwise I can’t get off. If I’ve already had sex with you it means I don’t get off thinking about you. That’s the difference between other boys and my boyfriend. I save the images of what we do in bed, replay them in my head and cum like a queen! I wonder if he does the same. He told me once, when we first started fucking, that he replayed “the scene” in his head the next day and that I reminded him of some movie, but I had never heard of the movie he mentioned, so he got annoyed, and then he never said anything like that again.

If God were real and I could ask her one question, it would be:

“Who has jerked off to me?”

If I could ask a second question it would be:

“Do the pigeons love me or just use me for bread?”

back to top

Tea Hacic-Vlahovic