advice column

try not to think of thinking

as lagging

try not to think that a thought

should arrive like a pop-up

fully-formed

if annoying

try not to stare

at the white bus in the parking lot

to picture the kids

hogtying the driver

whipping out white-out

turning the twinkie

of their yellow bus

into this pallid loaf

this sickly pastry

try not to think of not eating

a pastry

at the cafe you are walking to

try to love your body

try to intuit eating

how you intuit speaking

or not speaking

(when someone’s sclera

dulls like an old spoon

generally you should stop)

try not to fight

with your friend at the cafe

over whether the second colony on mars

will be funded by state or private capital

whether it’s even called a colony

if it’s just populated by bots

remember it’s ok

for people to have different opinions

unless those opinions are dumb

try not to fixate  

on whether you’ve had a similar fight

in the back of an uber

which would explain

your disappointing passenger rating

try not to catastrophize

your disappointing passenger rating

as the harbinger of

an all-encompassing social credit system

in which you end up with no credit

for no reason

or an opaque reason

remember it’s ok

to not be liked

unless not being liked

fucks up every facet of your life

(including how long it is

since we now know loneliness

causes inflammation)

fuck

try to write things

that make people like you

so you can live longer

so you can watch more buses

so you can eat more pastries

so you can colonize more planets

so you can uber around more

and more

and more

and more

in space

back to top

Stephanie Yue Duhem

@nameandnoun