A Select Shift Note From A Rehab I Used To Work At

After recently learning about the Sackler family’s $12 billion settlement for starting and sustaining the opioid epidemic, I decided to submit my own paperwork in the futile hopes of cashing in/out, and figured I’d oxy(Contin)moronically refer back to my previous nuthouse shift notes for colorful fuel for the claim...

General: The ominous weather definitely set the tone for the day.

Nick: Presented with extreme halitosis. Tried to get out of the breathalyzer by blowing in my face, saying, "See, I'm not drunk.” Many of the clients complained about him disturbing the WiFi connection by extravagantly downloading songs all day/night, which he admitted to/apologized for.

Jeff: Continues to be more gregarious, albeit superciliously. I had to rouse him from the arms of Morpheus to get his night meds. He complained about catching the cold virus that is devouring the house. He went to his usual Starbucks haunt for most of the day, to "catch up on things.” He takes an exorbitant amount of meds.

Trevor: Very simpatico & acquiescent. He mentioned to me that he's been visited by multiple demons in the past during astral projection. He has an oddly phlegmatic affect. He wears his fisherman hat always, even to bed.

Warren: Reported feeling an inscrutable but satisfying sensation after yoga. I warned him about the unscrupulous nature of the dastard “body brokering” business he’s become interested in. I had to vehemently rouse him from an exceptional siesta. He was told not to slumber before mandatory meetings.

David: There were large, fresh, miasmic urine stains on his mattress, clothes, etc. His closet was horrid. His dresser was empty. He had some pseudo paraphernalia in his room, including what appeared to be a "tooter”, along with an empty Kool-Aid squirt bottle. A half-full bottle of whiskey was also found.

His stay here persists.  

Steven: Had to be impelled multiple times to get out of bed and complete his chore. The last time I told him, he looked at me with a snide-fully eldritch smirk.

Brett: Continues to blast low quality music all about the “crib.” Thoroughly explained his love of cooking, saying it's "mad peaceful.” He requested $20 out of the safe for some domestic fowl from Domino's. Watched the critically acclaimed medical drama "House" for most of the day.

Shawn: Told me some animated stories about some "bad ass queers" he used to play softball with. Kept mentioning the "progress not perfection" cop out with a sheepish grin during our house meeting. Went to the gym after group. Says he's found the “secret to lifting.” Supposedly went to church with someone on Truvada. He said he really enjoyed himself. He's hesitant to get a sponsor, and says, “I’m going to work the program my way, and enjoy life.” He continues to instigate semi-heated Shawnfoolery with Ryan.  

Ryan: Had to be roused, even though he now has his phone back, and when I said that he needs to set his alarm, he said..."Oh yeah,” like he was oblivious to such a concept. Spent most of the morning languishing in his room. Repeatedly spit on the manicured property outside of the dentist's office. I noticed him bestially micturating in the backyard, and his excuse was that he was "too lazy to use the bathroom.” Surreptitiously had food & drink in his room. Commented on how he was possibly the only guy in church with a hat on. Said he felt awkward at the arcade with a bunch of "grown men.” He was very excited about getting a "Slush God" t-shirt. Complained about the baffling & excessive nature of his acne. Was extremely "stoked" to watch the low budget cult classic, Jamaican gangster movie "Shottas".

Chaz: Restless & loquacious before seeing his wife.  He was the center of attention at church, when he was one of only two people who stood up to be "saved.” Says if he doesn’t get sober this time around, he's turning to a life of momentous crime. He spewed some nonsensical ramblings during the house meeting. Says he was really irritated about being told to stay back to "fellowship" with the others. He bestowed Ahmad with his back-up phone, and gave it to me to hold onto until the time is right. He strangely approached a woman at church this morning by saying he knew her, which he didn't, and then proceeded to talk with her about therapy.

Cal: The enduring effects of his reported TBIs are ever apparent, as he is unendingly absentminded—but even he was a voice of reason during Boomer’s perpetual drug glorification. He asked me in a scatterbrained reverie around 2230 if I could turn on the air-conditioning. I reminded him that it was 60 degrees outside. He was happy about buying some Vans shoes at the mall, and said regarding such that he is now “finally getting the California experience.”

Boomer: Has been bludgeoned about the brain to get up without prompting. He made Spanish wads for the others. He said after talking with his mom that she was "contemplating suicide" at the thought of him coming home. Spent almost all day playing video games, even after being reminded multiple times that it is consistent with all of his unhealthy/addictive behaviors; but the other clients heralded the new addition of the Xbox, saying it serves as his "babysitter.” Continues to glorify his drug use, and boasted that his excessive caffeine & nicotine consumption makes him a superior human. Continues to expectorate all about the premises, which is a constant source of disgust and tongue-lashing from one & all. He was very restless, irritable, and discontent during the “big book” study. When I respectfully confronted him about his stagnation, obsessive/compulsive tendencies, etc., he said, "I don't care.”

James: Was very health conscious this evening, as evidenced by the smoothies he made, the pull-ups he did, etc. His ebullience is ever increasing. He was very happy to have bought "clothes without burn holes in them.”

Ahmad: Spent most of the day watching FX's highest rated telecast "Sons of Anarchy". He was the butt of many jokes. He is out of food and cigarettes. He doesn't have much hope for himself. I perpetuated his nicotine addiction by buying him a pack of cancer sticks to help him feel better. He keeps talking about some vague traumatic event that he was a part of, and kept asking if we were "mandated" to tell the police about it.

I wish I could tell you more, and that all of these young gentlemen are now productive members of society—but alas, by law, I can’t.

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Charles J. March III